16 Lessons from a De-Motivational Speaker

 

  1. Chill out and relax. You only get one life, so why waste it working so hard? Hard work is exhausting and overrated.
  2. Never ask for help. Seriously. It’s a sign of weakness. If you can’t do something, you need to lie about it or get someone else to do it and take credit. When in doubt, blame others for a job poorly done.
  3. The middle isn’t bad. Not sure why being mediocre gets such a bad rap. Do just enough not to get fired, but don’t aim for promotions or accolades.
  4. Routines are lame. Morning and evening routines are overrated. Variety is the spice of life. If you find something that works, relentlessly try to find something else that works better.
  5. Make assumptions. Who says you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover? That’s why they have covers! You can quickly decide if you want to read it. Do the same with people. Judge their intent and character based on what they look like and how they dress.
  6. Aim to impress. Make a commitment to spend most of your time, energy, and effort in impressing others and getting them to like you, especially on social media.
  7. Lower the bar. Surround yourself with losers. Try to amass an inner circle of people that are inferior to you in every way. That way you look good by comparison. It will also make you feel better.
  8. Strive for perfection. Good is the enemy of great and great is the enemy of perfect. If the project you are working on isn’t absolutely perfect, then scrap it and give up.
  9. Laugh at others. One of the most effective ways to add joy to your life is at the expense of other people. When something bad happens to someone, or if they make a mistake, look hard to find something funny.
  10. Dwell on your shortcomings. Make a list of everything that is wrong with you, physically and intellectually. Laminate this list and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Create a strong sense of self-loathing. That should motivate you.
  11. Stop trying to be original. There are probably a lot of people out there way smarter than you. So don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Adopt their point of view and follow the masses. Aim to blend in.
  12. Spend more time on your phone. Have you ever taken time to think of how amazing your phone is? Your phone is way more interesting than other people. Don’t waste time on relationships and experiences. Everything you need is on your phone!
  13. Today doesn’t matter. For every moment you spend in the present, you rob yourself of the ability to daydream about tomorrow. Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
  14. Focus on the past. Similar to your shortcomings, make a list of every mistake you’ve made in your life. Rank them in order. Take 10 minutes a day to think about how much happier and successful you’d be if you didn’t make those mistakes.
  15. Stop preparing. Ignore things like accountability and responsibility and do whatever you want. Life is short, so stop wasting it on things like serving others and living your purpose. Strive for short-term pleasure at all times. Preparation is for the weak.
  16. Work more! They say that no one on their deathbed ever wished they had worked more. I think they polled a very small sample size. If you die with any emails in your inbox, your life was a complete and total failure.

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